Disconnection.
Disconnection.
Dive into any couples relationship book[1] and you will hear that couples fight, hurt, betray and separate because they aren’t getting the contact and connection they want. You are wired from birth to seek belonging and significance and spend your adult life searching for the One who will help you feel SPECIAL. When you don’t have connection, you can’t let go of small hurts, you are negative even depressed, “go through the motions,” all the while longing for the person you entrusted with our heart. To see you. This disconnection is lethal and results in emotional and physical separation.
Why are you holding back something as valuable as connection?
Too busy.
You’ve replaced your SO. Children, career, friends, family of origin, a new love.
It happened without your knowing. You have been asleep in the relationship.
You don’t know that it is important.
If you are honest and want to face hard facts your disconnection may be rooted in the following:
The need for power.
Do you feel more powerful and significant when you are “holding the reins?” No need to feel guilty if this is so. It may be how you are wired and one of your gifts. After all someone has to be in charge. But not in your romantic relationship. An important “rule” for a couples close connection is EQUALITY and EQUITY. In other words, it is imperative for the health of a couple relationship that no one person makes the rules.
You can spot the power imbalance in a relationship and it is “relationship ugly.” Power and control is visible as one delivers criticism, contempt, condescension subtly or openly. The partner on the receiving end defends, withdraws and suffers through micro aggressions that sours their personality.
Getting revenge.
When someone has wounded you, you have the choice to forgive or not. What is unfortunate for both is when the connection is repeatedly marred by potshots and betrayal as a way of getting back at the other. Revenge is in play when you hold on to resentment and allow it to extend into hatred.
An inordinate thirst for attention.
Another unconscious reason that we withhold connection is the attention we get as our mate, in pursuit of connection, courts and pleases us. This leads to fluctuations and dissatisfaction in the couple connection that can only be repaired when you acknowledge and repair the source problem.
Unmanaged insecurity.
Unmanaged insecurity and the fear of inadequacy will drive disconnection and leave a couple floundering.
The loss of connection may have started by one and continued as the other fought back, resigned in frustration and lost hope. When you’re hurt, you hurt your partner back or withdraw. Still there is no way to restore the connection until you both take responsibility for the loss. Do this in 3 simple steps.
- Acknowledge how you contributed to disconnection.
- Ask forgiveness and commit to connection.
One thing is sure you must release the root causes of disconnection to make an honest reconnection.
When you do this, your reconnection lies in the following four and becomes real as repetition and genuine emotion and desire ae present.
- Kind eyes.
- Caring words.
- Holding.
- Thoughtful actions.
Your eyes, words, touch and actions must reinforce “I am available to you, I am responsive to you, you matter the most, and you can count on me.
Still not sure about Connection?
Let’s talk about it.